I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
