my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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