I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
