Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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