In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
