Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
