dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
