hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
