he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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