I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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