Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Randomize
