nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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