My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
