hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
