WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
