I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
