mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
