He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
