Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
