I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.