So gin and wine won't be happening again
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can't trust your balls anymore.