The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He felt like a one man threesome
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his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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