Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
