The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
