I wish I could punch you in the face.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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