ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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