I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
