you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
