i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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