You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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