You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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