My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
