that's an acceptable place to lick
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The uberlube is also flammable
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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