So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
