my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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