the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
