I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
