Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
