someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
