My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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