I can text with my tongue
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
