when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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