your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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