I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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