I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
