the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
