Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
