I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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