I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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