the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
