Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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