my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
