Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
