I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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