i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
