the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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