What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
