Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
