Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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