WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
