My underwear smells like fireworks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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