Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
