when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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