I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
