So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
